SpinMy feet press heavily upon the ground;seventeen years of lifeleaving its mark against the barren earth.The world stares at meand I at itexchanging fear for the threatsmade clear in its eyesthat seem to pierce my soul.My back grows weak as I long to rest my loadthough I know I can never lay it down.The burden grows heavy upon my shouldersseventeen rocksthat I initially gathered with excitementeach one a little bigger than the lastbut each contributing equally to my current downfall.My feet become friendly with the groundnot willing to trudge on further.Yet still they turn the cornerand the eighteenth rock comes into sight,the biggest one yetand this time no even the lustrous appearancecan distract me from the pain I know it will bring upon my journey.So I escape into my euphoriathrowing the pack carelessly to the groundas I set my arms free to discover the air around them;spinning, laughingheart leaping, my soul fillingno longer moving backwardnor forwardbut spinningbecoming accustomed to the universe;breathing in the momentencircling my footprints with serenity;leaving no mark upon the groundbut an uplifting feeling among the quiet forest air.The birds treasure the freedommore than the ground coveted my footprintsand even the distant waterfall seems to applaudthe recklessness.Not even the moss dares to growas barefeet tickle the green surface.Not nearing tomorrownor flirting with the pastbut merely hovering the present spinning upon the freedom it provides.But gravity tugs at my soulbringing me back to realityas it always must,for everyone knows spinning is not allowed. Its not grammatically correct...at all, really, but let me know what ya think anyway? Thanks =)
It does need some polishing, but it's really very good!"but each contributing equally to my current downfall."This line needs a little work. "Current downfall" doesn't really make sense to me here; I get what you're saying, but it's rather vague. How about...I can't think of anything now, but I'll try later :). Also, "equally" makes the phrase rather clunky; you could probably drop it, though it's your choice."exchanging fear for the threats" Again, I think I get what you mean, but it's unclear. How about "Responding with fear to each threat" or something of the sort."My feet become friendly with the ground" Nice! Friendly with the ground...very original, very cool!"encircling my footprints with serenity;" another favorite line. It really reminds me of spinning around and around, the way I used to when I was a little kid."Not even the moss dares to growas barefeet tickle the green surface.Not nearing tomorrownor flirting with the pastbut merely hovering the present spinning upon the freedom it provides.But gravity tugs at my soulbringing me back to realityas it always must,for everyone knows spinning is not allowed."Please don't change this end. It's perfect.I really like this poem a lot; it reminds me of all those nights, lying in bed thinking "I'll be __ in 2 hours..." (I was born at 12:47 a.m.). Lovely.
Thank you sooo much for your feedback. I really like the suggestions you made and I did use your suggested alteration. Again, thanks so much. =)