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soccerstarval [userpic]
by soccerstarval (soccerstarval)
at October 9th, 2006 (09:23 pm)

Spin

My feet press heavily upon the ground;
seventeen years of life
leaving its mark against the barren earth.
The world stares at me
and I at it
exchanging fear for the threats
made clear in its eyes
that seem to pierce my soul.
My back grows weak as I long to rest my load
though I know I can never lay it down.
The burden grows heavy upon my shoulders
seventeen rocks
that I initially gathered with excitement
each one a little bigger than the last
but each contributing equally to my current downfall.
My feet become friendly with the ground
not willing to trudge on further.
Yet still they turn the corner
and the eighteenth rock comes into sight,
the biggest one yet
and this time no even the lustrous appearance
can distract me from the pain I know it will bring upon my journey.
So I escape into my euphoria
throwing the pack carelessly to the ground
as I set my arms free to discover the air around them;
spinning, laughing
heart leaping, my soul filling
no longer moving backward
nor forward
but spinning
becoming accustomed to the universe;
breathing in the moment
encircling my footprints with serenity;
leaving no mark upon the ground
but an uplifting feeling among the quiet forest air.
The birds treasure the freedom
more than the ground coveted my footprints
and even the distant waterfall seems to applaud
the recklessness.
Not even the moss dares to grow
as barefeet tickle the green surface.
Not nearing tomorrow
nor flirting with the past
but merely hovering the present
spinning upon the freedom it provides.
But gravity tugs at my soul
bringing me back to reality
as it always must,
for everyone knows spinning is not allowed.


Its not grammatically correct...at all, really, but let me know what ya think anyway? Thanks =)

Comments

Posted by: ebennetgirl (ebennetgirl)
Posted at: December 12th, 2006 07:09 am (UTC)
Beautiful!

It does need some polishing, but it's really very good!

"but each contributing equally to my current downfall."
This line needs a little work. "Current downfall" doesn't really make sense to me here; I get what you're saying, but it's rather vague. How about...I can't think of anything now, but I'll try later :). Also, "equally" makes the phrase rather clunky; you could probably drop it, though it's your choice.

"exchanging fear for the threats" Again, I think I get what you mean, but it's unclear. How about "Responding with fear to each threat" or something of the sort.

"My feet become friendly with the ground" Nice! Friendly with the ground...very original, very cool!

"encircling my footprints with serenity;" another favorite line. It really reminds me of spinning around and around, the way I used to when I was a little kid.

"Not even the moss dares to grow
as barefeet tickle the green surface.
Not nearing tomorrow
nor flirting with the past
but merely hovering the present
spinning upon the freedom it provides.
But gravity tugs at my soul
bringing me back to reality
as it always must,
for everyone knows spinning is not allowed."

Please don't change this end. It's perfect.

I really like this poem a lot; it reminds me of all those nights, lying in bed thinking "I'll be __ in 2 hours..." (I was born at 12:47 a.m.). Lovely.


Posted by: soccerstarval (soccerstarval)
Posted at: December 14th, 2006 02:36 am (UTC)
Re: Beautiful!

Thank you sooo much for your feedback. I really like the suggestions you made and I did use your suggested alteration. Again, thanks so much. =)